entry 1630

My sensibility which has been long gone is starting to surface now... The Leroy who's egoistic just like every other musician. The Leroy who absorbs things from the environment and which greatly affect his mood for the day. The Leroy who characterizes and projects in reality the things he picks up from his pieces. The Leroy who is afraid to be vulnerable...afraid to open up, to share things, to project an image of weakness, to change when theres nothing to change.

Stanny. Chicken pox is almost over. The nights when I couldn't find the perfect position to sleep are finally over, and of which when the uncomfortable positions brought nothing but restlessness. My head would automatically fly to Hong Kong, thinking of how were you doing - shopping, walking, laughing, and lots of eating for sure. Thinking of you relieves the longing, so I didn't really miss you that much.

I had lots of idle time while on spotty mode. And I carelessly let myself slip away from you. I do not know what I am feeling right now. The romance has started to cool down as I took tablets of Paracetamol as fever renders me weak; the longing slowly pacifies as I took half-heartedly my antihistamines as the traditional itchiness kicks in. Our first few days were just empty pa-kilig thought out by me. That's just what I was doing. But surely, we were having a good time. Whatever is pulling us together feels like it's doing the opposite to me. It feels like working in the corporate world, something's amiss. We are missing the secret ingredient to this or I may simply not know how to cook this. Everything is just new - the give-and-take thing, the forever- sunny conversations. I am beginning to see you as a stranger as if the wolf has eaten you already and dressed up like Granny...we are strangers, after all. One thing is for sure, I can only be your most inarticulate artist and class C forest ranger for I do not know how to go back now. I am not saying goodbye. I am not saying goodbye...yet. I just need to know if I am losing myself or if I am finding myself in the situation of US. Do I love you or do I love you not? Or to ask is too soon or too late already?